February 25, 2005

I S S U E S

Business…this week, the column’s on the shameful legal dispute between Rosa Parks and OutKast. Everyone involved should be ashamed.

Speaking of shame, last night solidified something–I’ve got issues with the women I love.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend briefly last night, and that was one of the more awkward moments I can remember. That’s not good.

The way I see it, I’ve got four women that I may have loved. I don’t speak to three of them, and the only one with whom I maintain contact is my mother. The other three don’t tangibly exist in my universe, and that’s tragic.

That I don’t speak to one is entirely on me, and I’ll never feel bad for that decision. Sometimes, people need to go on about their business and leave you alone, so I have no desire to speak to that one ever again. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, in this world is worse than someone who wants you to stay close so you can serve as what they think is the world’s greatest backup plan. Young Baba is not a gecko nor Geico, so he shall not serve as anyone’s insurance policy. That’s not going down.

Another is a really dreadful situation, and I really need to get it straight. Tragically, I don’t know how to do that. It’s impossible for me to ignore when someone hurts me, particularly when I think that’s been done for no good reason. I wish I was better than that, and I’m pretty ashamed of the fact that I’m not. If that’s a part of being human, then being human just isn’t good enough for me. I let little stuff slide all the time, but the big stuff still causes me problems. I still love her, though. At some times, I wonder if that’s because I have to, but I do love her nonetheless. Always wish her the best and all that. However, we don’t speak. And after all these years, I wonder if we ever will.

I’m ashamed of that, but incapable of fixing it. That’s the most shameful thing of all.

Then there’s the other one. I’m not so sure I loved her, but it seemed pretty likely that I may have. What may be more telling is that I wanted to love her, and that may say a lot more than loving her would. To love someone is an involuntary reaction, something beyond anyone’s control. To wish to love someone, to hope that you get to the point of valuing her happiness as much as you value your own, to want to see her, hear her voice, see her smile, and all that sappy shit says a lot, man. That says things that I don’t fully comprehend. And when that’s gone, it’s so all bad.

Hadn’t spoken to that one in about five months before last night. I’d prefer it not be that way, but that’s what it is and I can’t change that. I’m really not sure how things got that way. It’s frustrating because that’s so far beyond my control, but most of life is. That’s why most of life has a tendency to get on my damn nerves.

I’m really not sure if this has made any sense, and you all know about my aversion to emotional exhibitionism. However, it was something else to sit in a room with someone I’ve cared deeply for and say something close to nothing. It’s garbage to not be able to stop and speak with someone I know and haven’t seen in months because it would have led to an awkward situation. That’s letting someone else control me, and I don’t get down like that.

But I do.

Almost makes me wish I never loved any women but Mama, really. Because those three situations were more painful in the end than the joy they gave me in the beginning (I don’t remember any joy from one of those, though). It’s sad and pathetic, and that’s all on me.

And I miss all three of ‘em, even though I’d never say it out loud. I don’t even know why I’m saying something here in such a passive-aggressive way, but that’s what’s on my mind, and I post on Fridays. Sorry about this, folks. Guess you’re just catching me on a bad day.

Clearly, I’ve got issues with women that I love. (Un)Lucky for me, it’s not likely to be an issue that’ll come up again. The real issue I’ve got is that all that stuff, all that caring and attachment, has really come to scare the beejezus out of me. All that good is spooky. It’s spooky the way drugs are spooky…I hear they make you feel great and all that, but I see cats on the street strung out. They liked it too much, and they’re in worse shape than before they got into the stuff in the first place.

Bizarre analogy, but it’s got legs. And it’s so real. And that’s so bad.

Oh well, time to cook breakfast…if you found any relevance in this, you should also be able to find treasure on the beach, cuz I don’t even know if any sense was buried in this madness.

But I do feel better now. Thanks for listening.

(getting off couch and going back to regular, insular life)

14 Comments »

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  1. Yeah- it made sense. Do whatever is necessary to insulate yourself from the pain of loving someone… Take your time with love, young Baba; Don’t run from it! Don’t be like me…or is it too late for people like us?

    Comment by Lady — February 25, 2005 #

  2. You have to trust me on this: even though you don’t know me and I’m not a middle-aged Texan with male pattern baldness.

    In the end, the pain of loss, no matter how great, is absolutely nothing compared to the pains of regret.

    Comment by Ben — February 25, 2005 #

  3. Man I know it has become cliche to say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all but I agree with Ben man. If given the choice I’ll take take the pain of loss over the pain of regret caused by not taking the chance anyday.
    But man that love/drug analogy is that ultra real talk. I’ve seen people just as strung out on love as the cat downtown on fifth street begging for nickels. Love without balance and agency is no good.

    Comment by C — February 25, 2005 #

  4. Man, I will NOT try to criticize you on this subject, Bo, because um, I should be the last one to say anything about the women in/out of my life who are not my mother, sister and sister-in-law…

    But now I understand John Legend’s “Ordinary People” just a little bit more each day I listen to it.

    As much as being loved and lost felt…I can say without a doubt that I have not and will not be a sucker for love.

    Comment by Fred Batiste, A Weapon of Mass Destruction — February 25, 2005 #

  5. Love is something you don’t play with. It’s like handling a snake: Just when you think you’ve got control, it coils and bites you — then you’re done.

    Unexpectedly running into an old love is something that will try the strongest man.

    It’s been my experience that there’s got to be something good that — eventually — comes out of a situation that affects you so deeply that you can’t even be in the same room with that person. That shows you’ve got some humanity — some care and compassion for others — or, at least you did at one time or another. Never mind that you want your heart to stop hurting — it will. Learning lessons can be painful.

    I’ve always said that love and hate are next-door neighbors. Both involve strong feelings and it’s easy to get caught up in the emotions of both. What rational range of feelings can make you want to kiss or kill the same person? You ain’t never lied about that drug analogy. I’ve found myself on an occasion or two listening to Sade records and being a little b—h over a broken heart. I’ve found myself reflecting on a situation and asking myself, “What the hell are you doing?!?” I’m not proud of that, but it’s as real Tyson in his prime.

    Bottom line: If you don’t open yourself up to the possibility of love, you could miss out on something really special. Or, you can leave your heart in that old Nike shoebox under the bed with those dust bunnies you’re collecting.

    That stream-of-consciousness thing can be freeing. It’s what you’ve got to do. If you didn’t have this forum, you’d write it in a journal or on a napkin. It’s got to manifest somehow.

    No harm in being human. You’re a man — not Superman. No feelings? That makes you a pimp — and I KNOW that’s NOT what you want to be.

    Comment by Solomeen — February 25, 2005 #

  6. On a somewhat lighter note, one need not be a pimp in order to issue a pimp slap. And I’m betting those can be damned cathartic…

    Comment by Kirk — February 25, 2005 #

  7. I’ve known you (yet not) for a few years now. You’re very possibly the most complicated person I’ve ever met. I always thought you had issues with women in general. But that’s not an attack on you, so I hope you’re not offended. Men and women, in my view, at times - most times - seem hopelessly incompatible.

    The end of a love relationship is painful, no doubt. And sometimes the feeling of failure presses on you just as much as the feeling of heart ache. If anyone hates the feeling of losing at anything, it’s you. Regret is a bitch. I feel like I should know that better than anyone. I guess that’s why Jay-Z’s number one rule is learning to live with it. Lord knows I’ve had a rough time with that one. Trying to figure out the why’s and what’s might have killed me…once. Sometimes it’s necessary to break all ties just to bring an workable level of peace to yourself.

    For me, love is just about the most perplexing, complicatedly simple thing in the world. Everyone I know struggles with either having it or not having it: hopelessly in it or desperately wanting it. If anything, everyone can agree there’s nothing like it and no drug that can substitute.

    Comment by Elizabeth — February 25, 2005 #

  8. Love is a many splendored thing. It can also be a pain in the ass. At the ripe-old age of 35, I have convinced myself that love, other than familial, is probably not for me. I have decided to live my life to the fullest and enjoy each and every moment and if love comes in the process, so be it. In response to Kirk, I can tell you that, (in my experience), man-to-man love is hopeless as well. So, if man and woman are hoplessly incompatible, (in most cases), and same-sex relationships are equally doomed, what the hell is going on here?

    Comment by strong4u — February 25, 2005 #

  9. Tis better to have loved and lost than loved and contracted something fatal.

    Comment by If all teachers were this hot... — February 26, 2005 #

  10. i don’t know. regret’s looking better every day. if it helps, i love you bo. but i know it doesn’t.

    Comment by alldaydre — February 28, 2005 #

  11. Love is something that most of us long for. The only problem with it is that the love, however distributed, is never equal on both sides - someone always loves the other more. It can definitely be a blissful or painful experience (I say that from experience). The realization you need to come to is which one it is for you. Find out why you’re having these feelings now. Is/Was there some need for closure, something left unspoken? Good luck to you on finding some sort of solace. You’re in my prayers.

    Bomani’s note - It ain’t that bad. Those were just observations. Perhaps the magnitude of thoughts are emotions seem amplified by the fact that others don’t discuss ‘em, but I ain’t go home and listen to the Glutton for Punishment list. I just ate and went to sleep.

    Comment by Candy Cane — February 28, 2005 #

  12. If I had read this about a year ago my first comment would have been, “Fuck these Hoes”, but I like to think I’ve grown up a little. I’m friends with the person I loved most in life but it’s only possible because of massive amounts of denial and melancoly.

    While everyone is rocking with the “better to have loved and lost…” cliche, I’ll do you one better. It’s better to be melancholy and not know than to have your freaking heart broken repeatedly.

    That love shit is cool, but it doesn’t serve any real value. Give me a beautiful woman (not because I’m shallow,I want pretty babies) with a good job that can cook and I’ll come home Sunday through Thursday nights. That’s a solid relationship.

    Comment by hseuss3000 — February 28, 2005 #

  13. Ha! Yes I’m part of the cliche crew but I can’t front on what hseuss said. Among other things (like a sharp mind and good conversation) we all really want the same thing: A beautiful woman, who can cook and has a good job (which of course are the same things women are looking for too). But yo what’s good with Friday and Saturday night? Add to my list a solid bedroom game and everything is on point.

    Comment by C — February 28, 2005 #

  14. Why hasn’t anyone commented on the Rosa Parks-Outkast issue? Seems to me that one way or the other, someone somewhere is trying to take advantage of this woman. Setting aside her place in history for a moment, that is beyond foul even if she were just another grandma and not who she is.

    Comment by Kirk — February 28, 2005 #

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