Alan Keyes, as seen by Luther R. Dawson

Yo, this is Luther. Luther R. Dawson. You don’t need to know who I am, but Bomani said I could post today, so long as I let you know his column last week was on Nelly, and this week will be on Eminem.
We went to see Alan Keyes speak yesterday, and Baba says he’s too tired to post, so he’s leaving it to me. So where Bomani has to be decent so he doesn’t say anything to mess up his career, I ain’t got shit to lose but about thirty pounds.

So we strolled into the rotunda of Carolina’s law school to see Keyes speak. First thing we noticed was the room was filled with white folks. To the gills, man. Here and there we saw some black folks, so I instantly start trying to figure out what side of the fence the Negroes were on. I’m sure some of them came to hear their leaders speak, but maybe of them were there like me and Bo…to see if buddy would rattle off an old spiritual.
See, your man Alan sang a spiritual on Meet the Press or Face the Nation when he was getting mollywopped by Obama. Seems Al didn’t think Obama was black enough, so he decided to sing a spiritual. And, the dude asked the people on the show to sing with him. You know the white folks declined. Obama looked at him like he just fell of the turnip truck.
For his next trick, we figured Keyes would engage Barack in a watermelon seed spittin’ contest. Hasn’t happened yet, but my money’s on Alan.
That’s because buddy can spit that shit.
Your man’s a helluva speaker. His words were chosen just right, his tone of voice was powerful, and my man is sharp as hell. I can say what I want about the cat, but he was definitely the smartest man in the room (Bomani might disagree with that, but that’s why I’m writing this week…gotta humble that cat).
Since this talk was at the law school, your man Keyes discussed how federalism is being ignored by the judicial branch. Sound boring? Well, it was. Not much room for Alan to tap dance with that topic. He did rattle off some silly stuff, though. His big point is that the federal government has no standing to make any laws concerning religion, meaning that states are given the right to do what they want concerning religion, according to the tenth amendment. As you might expect, Alan’s blaming things on those damn “activist judges,” those who choose to use interpretations of the law that aren’t stiff and literal.
And in terms of words, ol’ Alan had a point. However, let’s peep this logic…
Since those slaveholders that wrote the Constitition feared government using religion like tyrants, they made it so the big federal structure had no say-so on it. So, Keyes will have one believe the intention was to give all that power to the states. So, what Madison and the boys really wanted to allow was for the states to impose religion on the lives of others! Yeah, that makes a lot of damn sense, Alan. A lot.
Please. That was his major point, but buddy’s game is sharp. He double talked so well and played those words like a harmonica.
But here’s the big one about Al…Al’s one of those that says that Americans make laws based on moral fiber, and that moral fiber should be put back into the law. Americans are down with that shit in Iraq because they feel it’s a moral war.
Buddy never quite said what moral was. Apparently, he sees himself as the man that decides what moral is. If heading over there to kill those folks is considered moral, I’ll take stiff drinks, wild women, and an aversion to murder on my route to the promised land.
And I bet I’ll get there first. Hungover, maybe, but first.
The thing about cats like him is that they assume that their view of morality is the standard. I ain’t know that power came with his Ph.D from Harvard. Maybe Bo shoulda applied there. He’d have so much more authority if he could do that.
It’s that morality bullshit that keeps me ready to climb the walls. See, Keyes himself explained the internal conflicts in the Middle East as examples of the evil people do in the name of self-righteousness. Then, the dude rattled off–for what seemed like an eternity–just how self-righteous he really is.
So what evil does he do?
Alan didn’t have much to say on that one. Young Baba was too frustrated to ask him a question, and Bo sure as hell wasn’t gonna let me get on the mic. I’d get us both locked up if they let me talk.
But Alan didn’t coon, and I’m hot about that. I went to see him talk that smack that’s made him famous, and he left it alone. So instead of having lots of things to clown, me and Bo were left struck by his intelligence, but then we realized he simply uses it for evil. That’s so all bad, shawty.
He’s frustrating dealing with him the same way it’s hard to listen to that McWhorter cat at Berkeley. Both are sharp, man…too sharp to really believe half the stuff they say. Both are terribly condescending, making me think they ain’t go to school with people that fought.
They are what they are. Just on the side of evil, man. That dark side. Wanna know how to get there? Turn right.
But that’s what it was. Wish it was more, but it ain’t. Maybe he’ll run for some office and belt a few bars of “Wade in the Water.” That’s what I wanted to hear.
And he ain’t even give me that. Bad logic and a boring topic? What a buster. I wanted to hit him with that Kurt Cobain…”here we are now, entertain us!”
Couldn’t even get that. I’m bout as disappointed as when that girl made Bo go see Catwoman. At least he ain’t have to pay for this, though (he ain’t pay for that one either, but he don’t like seein’ no one waste money).
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Holla back on Friday, Bo told me to tell you. He got a lot to say about that new Eminem.