I'm Hooked on Flavor of Love

FYI, fellow blog writers. You can always tell if you’re taking too long with a new post when you notice the same five people have been logging on all day at about an hourly rate. So after seeing that, time to pause the writing (ESPN joint on Steve Nash, probably running Monday. It seems I’m honoring Black History Month by writing about white basketball players all month. Next week, a celebration of Bob Cousy or something) and get on the update I’ve been wanting to write all day.
Also, commenting now allows you to leave your URL, but it requires Typekey registration. But it’s all fixed, thanks to George. For real, George is great folks.
Yeah, my name is Baba….and I’m addicted to “Flavor of Love.”

I resisted “Flavor of Love” for a long time. Basically, it would hurt my heart to see Flavor Flav play himself on television. As a fan of Public Enemy from when I was too young to understand how important and brilliant they were, I’ve always felt like Flav didn’t get enough credit for his contributions to the group. Those that write him off as a court jester have no understanding of how important that court jester was. Trust me–we’d have no idea who they were if not for Flav. And every one of his solo cuts on PE albums were bangin’. Even “Cold Lampin’ With Flavor.”
But people’s stories about the show were just too much for me to resist. I was at a friend’s house, and I was stunned by everything about the show. I was stunned by Flav’s fly-as-fuck Movado clock. I was amazed that most of the girls were pretty attractive (and just about all of whom are models or actresses trying to get large) but were vying for the privilege of–I can’t believe I’m saying this–being the love of Flavor Flav’s life.
Flavor Flav. Quite possibly the ugliest man in hip hop history. That’s like being the tallest player in NBA history. I mean, as long as Biz Markie’s living and is still not the ugliest dude in hip hop tells you what a superstar of ugly Flavor Flav is. Yikes!
But these chicks is straight up bout it! I’m sure a few of them are seriously acting. They’ve gotta be. But goodness, it would take Cicely Tyson to convincingly act like loving Flav is where it’s at. These girls ain’t trying to win no Oscars, man. They’re trying to get paid. If they were capable of acting like they wanted Flav, they’d be on Broadway or working as undercover cops.
So last night, Brigitte Nielsen showed up to hate screen chicks for Flav. How kind of her. As you’d guess, she hated every last one of ’em. Words to live by, kids–no matter how much your ex loves you, (s)he ain’t lookin’ out for you.
So she hooked these ladies up to a polygraph. A fuckin’ polygraph. Now who knows how scientifically evaluated the results were, but a few of these chicks passed the test when they said they wanted to have sex with Flavor Flav!
Lemme put that in more graphic terms so you can grasp the magnitude of this. There are women–in some cases beautiful!–that are willing to not just get nekkid in front of Flavor Flav, but want to see him nekkid, too.
They want to see Flavor Flav nekkid!
For all those women that somehow think that women are more selective than men, this show proves that’s not the case. I know there’s television and money involved, but there is no woman as ugly as Flavor Flav that men would be willing to go on television and try to woo. That’s primarily because Hollywood has no place for ugly women–don’t hate me for telling the truth, shawty–but also because ain’t no dudes gonna play themselves like that. Think about it–Oprah’s been rich for a long time, but wasn’t nobody doin comedy sketches about knocking her up when she has chocolate stains on her blouses.
But here’s the clincher. All that other stuff is basically what you already had gleaned. The show ended with someone named New York–who my friend swears is a transvestite, even though transvestites ain’t built like her–saying….

I am going to win the heart of that beautiful man!

I nearly spit cranberry juice on my carpet. And to understand how serious that is, realize that no more than five pairs of shoes have touched the carpet in my house SINCE I MOVED IN. And the only reason I didn’t spit the juice on the carpet was because i didn’t have that much in my mouth. A big gulp and I’d have been on the ground with the Resolve.
Man man man…
And next week, jokers start gettin physical with Flav in order to differentiate themselves! Yes, a chick sticks her tongue down Flav’s throat! Wow!
I’m hooked!
But here’s why I can be hooked with a clear conscience. Unlike most, I don’t think Flav embarrasses himself on the show. I actually think he shows himself as a caring, compassionate man. Many folks may laugh at him because that’s what we’ve always done, I really find it interesting the things he says to women as they’re eliminated. I’ve been kicked to the curb a lot, but rarely that nicely. In fact, never. Not a damn once.
Put it like this–he’s a lot more caring than I’d be in that situation. I don’t know if compassion is something I’m required to give strangers.
So yeah man, I’m on this from here on out. Look somewhere online to find that chick talking about her “beautiful man.” Next week, she laments the possibility to lose her “man” to a “big girl.”
Must See TV, baby.