Business…check out this wild game hunt I had to go on to find the hockey fans ’round these parts.
(And forgive me for being ghost lately…been busy and all that stuff.)
Greetings from Itta Bena, Mississippi, the collegiate home of Jerry Rice, Willie Totten and Ashley Ambrose. I’m back in the Delta for my niece’s high school graduation. If you remember when I came down last year for my nephew’s graduation, then you know there will be a post on this on Monday.
So coming over here required a lot of flying. The good thing about that was it allowed me to get into the infamous Game of Shadows, and I’ll have more on that later. But the airport always has this way of reminding me of how inconsiderate other people can be. People frequently do things on planes they ain’t got no business doing. Just too much of it.
What are those things? They are sprinkled on this list of things that are gonna change when I take over the world. Emperor Baba’s got a lot in mind, lemme tell ya.
No small children on airplanes. That’s right. If you can’t get the lil sucker where he needs to go in a car, then you’re SOL. I should not spend three hours listening to your kid scream just because you want your parents to see him. Send Granny and Grampa tickets and tell ’em to come to your house. But when that lil joker decides he wants to cry and kick the seat in front of him and throw stuff, your lil joker becomes our problem. And i ain’t got the time for it. Shut it down. Shut it shut it down.
All questions in academic settings must be submitted a day in advance. I love people. I really do. But I’ll never forget this time in college when my class was discussing the legacies of DuBois and Booker T. One side of the argument said that Booker T. was a realist that understood the limited areas where blacks could advance academically and couched his platform from there. Others said that Booker T’s focus of vocation reinforced notions of inferiority among black folks.
Up popped this one girl.
“Well, if the black people felt inferior, couldn’t they just for support groups to talk about their problems?”
Only thing funnier than that was when she had some perspective on why Maya Angelou didn’t participate in the Harlem Renaissance that didn’t involve the fact that Angelou wasn’t born until 1928.
To prevent this, questions must be screened. This way, I don’t laugh in people’s faces.
Everyone will have wireless in their homes. Being tethered to my daddy’s computer? Not the heat. At all. And while we’re on it…
Every PC user must have Firefox. IE’s droppin like a brick, baby. I need those tabs.
Cashiers are required to say one word per transaction. No more of this shit where I go to the drive-thru and the folk at the window just look at you. Don’t give you a total or nothing. Just a stare and an extended arm displaying a cheaply done tattoo on the forearm, which I’m beginning to think is a prerequisite for food service in black neighborhoods. Either way, at least mumble a “hello” or something. Where I’m from, we get nervous when people look at us and don’t say anything. And where am I from? Earth. That’s where.
Day minutes and night minutes will all be the same. The phone companies have been jobbing on this for decades. Straight hustle. The strange part–that day minutes are verboten actually makes us want to use them more. Really, aren’t you at work?
All unattractive people will be required by law to have sweet dispositions. Sorry, but I don’t know where ugly people get off having bad attitudes. I mean, they’re entitled…but there’s no way in the world I’m gonna take the time to find out the goodness in your soul if I can’t stand to look at or listen to you.
Chappelle’s Show will be back on the air per my mandate. Hey Dave, you’re worried about how white people responded to the show and that’s why you stopped recording episodes? We’ve got ways around that. If this is what it takes to get you back on the air, Emperor Baba will make it illegal for white people to watch Chappelle’s Show, kinda like it was illegal for slaves to read. Why? Because without that show, I realized that all I watch on television is Law and Order and sports. I need some chuckles in my life, and I’ll do what I gotta do to get ’em.
Duke would go 35-4 in basketball every year. I take general pleasure when Duke loses to anyone because, well, I’m a good human being. Good people don’t like Duke. However, there’s a particular satisfaction that comes from beating Duke while they’re trouncing everyone else. So yeah, I think I’d be much happier if Duke beat everyone…but lost to Carolina at Cameron, in the Dean Dome, at the ACC Tourney, and somewhere along the way toward the NCAA championship.
(Okay, I’m lying. I hope they lose every game they play. There, I said it. You happy now?)
I’d make it much easier to come up with an artist to do a top 25 list for. Been really slacking on that lately. I did a couple lists before and realized that I just didn’t have the knowledge base to the the things properly. That being said, I’m surely doing something music related next week. Just what? Not sure. Maybe 25 Dr. Dre classics.
32 thoughts on “10 Things That'll Change When I Take Over the World”
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Bomani, your ESPN piece suggests you have no clue what’s going on with the Canes. It’s being ripped apart here…
Bo wrote:
Every PC user must have Firefox. IE’s droppin like a brick, baby. I need those tabs.
You could always get a Mac! Safari rocks (tabs included)! …and Firefox runs on Macs too… Plus, the new Macs can BOOT into WinXP as well. Two computers in one.
I travel a lot. Every six weeks flying 10,000 miles or so. I second and third your “no kids” rule. Plus, an 8-hour flight (Honolulu to Dallas, or back) MUST serve food. I don’t care how bad airline food is, it’s better than nothing when you’re making a connection and have no time to get carry on food.
..and, if I’m listening to my iPod, and heavily into a book or magazine, please don’t try an start a conversation with me because you’re bored. I’m hapy to meet new people and talk, but please pick an appropriate time to do so.
I could go on about traveling irks and peeves, but I’ll stop there…
(sigh…) typos, typos. My bane.
“and” “happy” (whew, fixed it).
Rex…second on the conversations. Nothing is more annoying on any trip, plane or commute to work, than having someone trying to talk to you when you are reading or listening to music. While reading a book last week a fellow bus rider began talking to me, stopped, then asked…”Oh are you trying to read”. I thought to myself, no I’m just sitting here with my book open waiting for you to talk to me. Idiot.
“All unattractive people will be required by law to have sweet dispositions.” We can do one better by not allowing them to have kids. Kill the root and we won’t have to prune the tree.
Just kidding…kinda…
I had to stop in when I was trolling ESPN this morning and saw your piece on Hurricanes fans (which as a good hockey fan, I make fun of routinely..because I don’t think Hockey belongs there…but I digress..) and thought “damn, this dude is busy.”
Anyway, IE7beta has tabbed browsing. For some reason, Firefox has been crashing randomly of late for me, so I’ve had to use both.
As for stupid kids in stupid classes. Welcome to my college career between rural Illinois and Wyoming. That’s a way of life.
i totally agree w/ the Firefox point. when i use computers that only have IE, i’m almost at a loss. i sometimes accidentally press Ctrl+T, expecting a tab. as for the cashiers point, i’ve also encountered that lately. it never ceases to irk and amaze that people are so rude.
The best way to get on my bad side is to attempt to start a conversation with me while I have my iPod Nano on and a book in my lap, no matter where I am or what I am supposed to be doing.
And little kids (except for one in particular) all seems to creep me out when they are in public throwing fits. It’s not just little white kids, no in this day and age, little brown kids are doing it too!!!!
my little brother went to valley. i used to hate to drive him because the mosquitos were hell to remove out my car grill. he goes back quite often to visit.
i feel you on foxfire. i love it. and i hate rude cashiers as well. i speak to them because i’ve done that job and you do get shitty customers.
Bo,
I read this before I left the job, and an hour later went to Wendy’s…The cashier spoke, but she had that classic jail/hot rock tattoo on her forearm/hand. And I said, “you know, dat dude was right.”
Me being an “arrogant bastard,” as the namesake of this web site calls me, I have never been to Itty Bitty (Itta Bena), Miss. I’ve only heard that it’s boondocksy as hell. I’m from the sticks myself, and I refused to attend college in places that reminded me of home.
That said, Valley could be a step above Alcorn State, Miss., only because I think your cell phone will work in Itta Bena. YOUR CELL PHONE WILL NOT WORK AT ALCORN A/K/A “THE RESERVATION.”
PS: Little children look at me on the airplane and they shut the hell up. I guess the big, tall, deep-voiced black man sterotype not only applies to elevators or sidewalks
I have never used FireFox but the way IE is tripping on me lately, I might need to try it…actually I am considering becoming a MacGirl but thats a different story altogether.
As for kids who show their behind in public, I don’t play that. I will give them the hard stare that should be coming from his/her mother and they instantly shut up in mid wail. My mama from Texas…we don’t play that.
I readily agree with the wireless in all homes move. I’ve been looking at all the cables and cords in my room and really wish I had a wireless router….and TiVo.
Instead of a “home-wide” wireless network Bo, how about a “city-wide” free wireless network. Austin is doing some cool things in that regard. During the SXSW Music Festival, you can crack open your ‘book downtown, log on to the free network, and listen to their city-wide shared iTunes Playlists of the bands playing the festival.
From what I’ve heard of the place, that’s a small consolation for being in Austin.
Brothaman Bo,
another thing you’ve done in this post is to reaffirm your hatred for all things Duke, which raises an interesting question (OLD NEWS ALERT): when you had an opportunity to shit on duke in a truly meaningful way (the rape allegations), you seemed to pass the hat without putting anything in. I don’t mean to say that you should have trumpeted the cause of the alleged rape victim, but to say a lil something about the racist and elitist culture which you often say permeates duke’s campus, (which is also not unique to duke)and which may have contributed to an enviroment where such acts can occur. that, at least, seemed appropriate. now i did not see any of your TV appearances in which criticism of this sort may have occurred. but i refer here to the article i read from you, posted at BSN or ESPN (i forget which one), that was indeed very objective, detailed, and informative, but said very little about how you feel. i understand that such articles are not meant to serve as vehicles to convey your true feelings, but what can i say, bo, i have come to expect that from you, even in the national media. you are a victim of your own good writing and success, in this respect. anyway, to make a long story short, is your hatred of duke relegated only to trivial matters? is it not possible to to also take a stand either for or against duke as it pertains to weightier issues? (again, i didn’t see the TV shows, so i apologize in advance if you repped hard on the air).
Kirk, are you kidding? I am from OU. UT is in Austin. There’s an innate hate there… But even I can’t deny what a cool, progressive city it is. Sixth Street is a mini-Mardi Gras every weekend. They block off the streets for a block party atmosphere. Every bar has a live band playing in it. Now, I don’t partake in the partying as much anymore while I’m there, but it has a lot more to offer in the arts and cultural areas as well.
You are a hard man to please.
😛
Now now, I only said that was what I had heard…never said I was stating an opinion. Besides, I had a meaningful oppotunity to shit on Texas, and I didn’t want to pass the hat without putting anything in. There’s no reason to suggest that just because I haven’t seen or read anything about Austin, I can’t sound off!
Bo, I think I took you on a few flights when you were a noisy little tyke. Let’s hear it for a little tolerance and compassion.
Mack
You shoulda left me at home, too.
Shitting on Texas sounds good, but I had to defend my home away from home. I spend 2 to 3 months out of the year there… And it kills me to see all those burnt orange caps, shirts, etc.
You mean those burnt orange National Championship caps, shirts, etc???
Touché Bo, touché.
kirk, you are the definition of “free, white, and twenty-one,” which is another way of saying that you’re a complete jackass. but, hey, every blog site needs a guy like you.
there, now look what i’ve done: i’ve gone and given you another post to make fun of. so, have at it, kid.
Kobert, you clearly have underestimated me. I don’t mock your posts, so much as I share an inside joke with everyone reading them that shakes their head and wonders how you managed to make it out of the womb. Trust me, that’s a lot of people.
See, it’s not that your misspelled, poorly constructed, barely thought out comments have somehow confounded me or anyone else. It’s that they really just don’t warrant any more than a snide comment or lame joke. I wouldn’t argue the merits of your opinions with you any more than I would argue the merits of oral hygiene with a Brit, or argue the finer points of interpretive dance with a kid that wears a bicycle helmet to school.
What I’m trying to say is that you’re beyond help, beyond logic, and beyond explanation. This is glaringly obvious from the comments you make. Your whiny, pseudo-intellectual rants remind me too much of some would-be Philosophy student clinging desperately to the idea that if he just thinks REALLY hard, he can come up with an idea that will change something, anything. In the meantime, that hypothetical student is preparing to take a job as a fry cook because he has not yet developed any real skills, and has nothing to offer society as a whole. With that, I say “Here’s your apron. Is ‘Kobie’ spelled with a K, a Q or not at all?”
Let’s review some snippets from your most recent bout of oral diarrhea, shall we?
“i understand that such articles are not meant to serve as vehicles to convey your true feelings, but what can i say, bo, i have come to expect that from you, even in the national media.”
Well, if it’s not supposed to be that way, why would you expect it? I can’t speak for anyone, but if it were my job to write about this stuff, I’d almost be offended by that. You’re saying that you actually expect someone to act unprofessionally. That’s not nice.
“…but to say a lil something about the racist and elitist culture which you often say permeates duke’s campus…”
Which is it? Did he not say anthing, or does he often say it? Pick one.
“…when you had an opportunity to shit on duke in a truly meaningful way (the rape allegations), you seemed to pass the hat without putting anything in.”
So, it would seem to me that you would suggest that a writer/journalist should seek to promote their own ideas, thoughts, opinions, and beliefs (or at least as you percieve them to be) at the expense of objectivity and doing good work. Again, you’re expecting unprofessional behavior. Now do you see why you remind me of some near-drop out philosophy student? Opinion over intelligence, style over substance?
So, it’s not so much that I’m a jackass, as it is that that’s the best you can bring out of me. You’ve become a running joke here, and an example of what not to do, and who not to be. But, it’s ok, because every blog site needs a guy like you, if for no other reason than to make the kids in the bicycle helmets feel good.
Really, stop worrying yourself over the snide smartass comments I make. They’re the way they are for a reason. Focus more on learning punctuation, grammar, and spelling, and try to think about how you can use those tools to go beyond the apron, Kobert.
Kobie, Kirk; my dick’s got you both beat.
Being a bigger dick is a lot different than having a bigger dick.
I haven’t yet had the “pleasure” of taking my 2 year old on a plane ride, but having just survived/endured the drive from Jersey to Atlanta, and back again, I can
only imagine. To the non-parents out there, contrary to what you might think or see, we all know how bad our own kids are. (For lack of a better phrase, I freely admit that my daughter is “off the hook”, hard stares, be they from Texas or Jersey or big black men, not withstanding). As Mr. Mack so sweetly and eloquently put it, have a little compassion for us. Shake your head, roll your eyes in utter annoyance and disbelief, turn your music up, and take comfort in the fact that the little “angels” aren’t going home with you.
I’ve taken my 3 year old on several 2-3hr trips & he knows how to act. No hollering, no seat kicking, period. It’s all about home training – ie, the threat of old-school public parental meltdown trumps kiddie meltdown any day. When some other kid starts wigging out on the plane, he is sweetly reminded not to follow suit ‘cos Mommy & Daddy DO NOT PLAY.
KIRK = GIANT LOSER.
First of all Kirk, you are probably a fry cook yourself. Second of all, you’re obviously quite insecure if you constantly have to point out mechanical/grammatical/spelling flaws on people’s blog comments. It’s a blog, get over it.
Thirdly, you are most like 35, broke, and single. And judging by how often and how much time you seem to put into making fun of others, you clearly have no life.
Lastly, didn’t you say the Lakers wouldn’t make the playoffs?
Also, TO ALL VISITORS – isn’t it quite possible that Kirk is either gay and has a man-crush on Bomani (based on how this guy is scared to disagree with him) or that he’s related to Bomani?
Honestly, no offense Bomani, but the stuff Kirk says, and the fact that he never disagrees with you leads me to wonder if you are posting under his name on your own site.
Kirk, you are a big loser.
I’ve said it before, and I don’t want to have to say it again–if you want to insult someone by calling them gay, do it somewhere else. I don’t care what the context is. That’s something I will not tolerate on my site.
And just to piss you off, here’s another consecutive post for you.
Why don’t you ever point out the misspellings and errors on Bomani’s blog entries?
Doesn’t make any sense.
Are you trying to become friends with Bomani, or lovers with him or something? I just don’t understand how you preach being so perfect when it comes to writing, yet you don’t seem to ever criticize a professional journalists’ writing? Rather, you choose to pick on people who are leaving comments and who are most likely not professional writers themselves.
Are you a writer or something? And if you are, how come we’ve never heard of you? And also, no one seems to agree with you Kirk. Are you in your own world or what?
Like I said, you’re just a loser. It’s quite evident. And if anyone went to school with a bicycle helmet on, it would have definitely been you.
You must be a 40-year-old virgin. And a loser.
That’s my theme. Is that a clear thought? Kirk = Loser. It’s crystal clear to me.
And I believe our score is me, 1, and you, 0. Considering how when you used your brain (or lack thereof) you said the Lakers wouldn’t make the playoffs. Anything else you want to argue about?
Trust me, I’m undefeated against you so far. Unless you’re denying that. Which wouldn’t surprise me.
Well, HOW am I supposed to respond to that? Golly me, I’m just…flummoxed.
The majority of what you said, as usual, is pretty lame, and I don’t think anyone needs to remark on it, but for those that know me, feel free if you so desire.
Instead, I’ll address 2 snippets, and leave it at that.
1) “I just don’t understand how you preach being so perfect when it comes to writing, yet you don’t seem to ever criticize a professional journalists’ writing? Rather, you choose to pick on people who are leaving comments and who are most likely not professional writers themselves.”
Think about that for a minute fucktard. When a professional writer makes a spelling mistake once in a while, it’s a typo. When a bedstain like you does it, repeatedly, it’s stupidity. Being a professional writer is not a necessary condition for being able to spell. On a related note, I’ve never preached perfection in grammar and spelling, just adequacy.
2) “Lastly, didn’t you say the Lakers wouldn’t make the playoffs?”
The whole problem, and this is the last time I will tell you this, is that no one was really arguing with you about your conclusions, they were telling you that you were an ass because of the way in which you stated them. You are unable to communicate in a meaningful, intelligent way. If you were just arrogant, or obnoxious, or abrasive, that would be fine. But you’re not, you’re dumb, and that’s different.
I’ll make you a deal. A professor I had in grad school used to cut breaks (You know, a little extra time on essay exams, etc.) to international students who didn’t speak English terribly well, typically because it was their second or third language, but on rare occasions, just because they were stupid.
Without asking which of those applies to you, I’m going to extend you that same courtesy. If you can get through a post with less than 15% of your words misspelled, you’ll get an “A”. Normally 85% is a middling “B”, so I think I’m being quite generous, really. If you can do it twice in a row, I’ll donate $50 to your favorite sheep herding charity, or whatever you happen to feel strongly about. Hopefully it’s only sheep herding and not sheep…never mind.
If you can not only pass your spelling test with a score a retarded 4th grader could muster, but also complete your thoughts in one post each, you’ll go on the Honor Roll. I haven’t figured out exactly what the Honor Roll is just yet, but I figured there was no point in wasting the time, you haven’t got a shot in hell.
I’ll tell you the same thing I told Kobricia. I make rude and obnoxious comments for a reason. Part of it is that you deserve it, part of it is that you walk right into it with your mouth open, and part of it is….well, why the hell not?
So, if you want to think I’m some washed up old man, trying to be a crotch jockey on the Bomani Jones bandwagon, by all means, whatever helps you sleep at night. If you want to think that you put one over on me because the Lakers got to the playoffs, then I insist, tell all your friends, and let them genuflect to you in awe. For clearly, you are a prophet.
But if you would do me one small favor, I promise to leave you alone forever. One small, trivial task that is painless, effortless, and inexpensive.
Get a vasectomy. I don’t think that any human woman would give you the opportunity to procreate anyway, but just in case some sexy little ewe in some remote Peruvian mountain range bears a sheepboy one day, I don’t want anyone I care about exposed to the product of an unholy union. That’s just not right, and it’s not good for anyone.
What do you say, truce?
No truce, “fucktard.”
And if you want to see pictures of the types of girls I pull on a consistent basis, I’d be more than happy to send them to you. Actually, no I wouldn’t. But there’s no way a girl that I get would even so much as give you ample opportunity to say one line at her without realizing how much of a loser you truly are.
And for the record, yes, I do think you are some “washed up old man.” That’s exactly what I think and yes, it helps me sleep at night.
What kind of a “fucktard” asks for a truce?
At 21 years old I’m most likely worth more than you and have a better job, not to mention the fact that I’m in the W.P. Carey School of Business at Arizona State University on scholarship.
So I’m glad you think you are better at writing than the average person. Good for you. How much do you make, 29K a year?
P.S. What’s your infatuation with sheep?
Also, I’m going to extend a courtesy to you. Why don’t you take your $50, and shove it up your rear. I don’t want to spell right for a “washed up old man.”
“You are unable to communicate in a meaningful, intelligent way.” – Kirk (the GIANT LOSER)
Really, Kirk? Do you ever read your own posts? You don’t even say anything, you’re just “trying to be a crotch jockey on the Bomani Jones bandwagon.”
A 40-year-old virgin trying to tell people they can’t communicate in a meaningful, intelligent way – yet you use the word “fucktard” and never, EVER, say ANYTHING meaningful.
Wait, did the Lakers make the playoffs or not? Was that meaningful? Intelligent? What did you say again?
I might change my name from Shot Clock to The Prophet. Just for you.
FUCKTARD.
Don’t asks for a truce anymore. You’re obviously unable to stand up like a man for yourself.
“Please, please, please . . . truce? Truce please?” – Kirk
Good job. Here’s the formula, one more time.
Kirk = GIANT LOSER.
No truce, “fucktard.”
And if you want to see pictures of the types of girls I pull on a consistent basis, I’d be more than happy to send them to you. Actually, no I wouldn’t. But there’s no way a girl that I get would even so much as give you ample opportunity to say one line at her without realizing how much of a loser you truly are.
And for the record, yes, I do think you are some “washed up old man.” That’s exactly what I think and yes, it helps me sleep at night.
What kind of a “fucktard” asks for a truce?
At 21 years old I’m most likely worth more than you and have a better job, not to mention the fact that I’m in the W.P. Carey School of Business at Arizona State University on scholarship.
So I’m glad you think you are better at writing than the average person. Good for you. How much do you make, 29K a year?
P.S. What’s your infatuation with sheep?
Also, I’m going to extend a courtesy to you. Why don’t you take your $50, and shove it up your rear. I don’t want to spell right for a “washed up old man.”
“You are unable to communicate in a meaningful, intelligent way.” – Kirk (the GIANT LOSER)
Really, Kirk? Do you ever read your own posts? You don’t even say anything, you’re just “trying to be a crotch jockey on the Bomani Jones bandwagon.”
A 40-year-old virgin trying to tell people they can’t communicate in a meaningful, intelligent way – yet you use the word “fucktard” and never, EVER, say ANYTHING meaningful.
Wait, did the Lakers make the playoffs or not? Was that meaningful? Intelligent? What did you say again?
I might change my name from Shot Clock to The Prophet. Just for you.
FUCKTARD.
Don’t ask for a truce anymore. You’re obviously unable to stand up like a man for yourself.
“Please, please, please . . . truce? Truce please?” – Kirk
Good job. Here’s the formula, one more time.
Kirk = GIANT LOSER.
And that was on purpose.
Yeah…really not helping your own cause with that one. Have someone explain to you why that just looks worse.
Have someone explain to you how much of a loser you are.
Then have someone explain to you how to succeed in life, as opposed to hanging out on your buddy Bomani’s website all day.
Go to the post office and get a job. If that doesn’t work out, try the airport.