Eight Days to Sunrise…or Sunset?

Business first…pieces this week on ESPN and the BSN. Sports fans, enjoy. Non-sports fans…click if you love me. Actually, just click if you tolerate me.
Eight days until exams, and I’m at home writing this, getting past an overhang. Who knows how to say “burnout” in Espanol? But, not trucking through it means teaching high school, and that won’t be cool in any language.
What the hell…let’s just have some fun this go ’round.

Alan Keyes is running against Barack Obama. If that doesn’t make you laugh on face value, I doubt I can make it any funnier. In related news, I think I’m going to get Denzel’s wife to leave him for my broke, skinny, un-smooth ass. After that, I’m gonna walk onto Carolina’s hoops team and take Felton’s job. Then, to make the day complete, I’m gonna strongarm administration into giving me the Flat Rock Sensei’s job, just because I’m such a dope economist.
Bottom line…I hope Keyes is renting in Illinois and not buying, if you get my drift.
Was reminded of a valuable lesson this morning…never, and I do mean never, assume you know who you’re talking to on the phone. If the voice is just a little bit different, ask to speak with whomever you’re calling for. Even if it’s on a cellphone. Otherwise, you’ll wind up like me, jokingly asking your favorite Dookie’s mother to give you a ride to the liquor store in a voice that screams out, “I’m overhanging and drinking Gatorade.”
Very bad first impression…let’s just hope she didn’t read the caller ID. Or, let’s hope she hasn’t Googled me and found this. I really can’t win for losing, you know that? Sorry about that, Ma Dookie. In the words of MLK in Coming to America, “I thought you were somebody else.” Let’s hope the Dookie can get me outta that one.
And an aside on that, the Monster.com is now dead. Thanks for that priceless line, Erin. However, it no longer applies. If you don’t get it, think a little.
Mary Kay Letourneau is out of prison. The boy with whom she started a sexual relationship is now a man and wants to marry her. He was eleven when this whole thing got started.
Moral of the story…it’s amazing how things sound good in middle school, but sound really bad once you’re grown up. Granted, only one of my sixth grade teachers would have made us consider sex…and my brother asked me to put him down with that one, so i wouldn’t have had a chance. But for that lady to pull a Maggie May with an eleven-year old? What’s really going on? And how much must it suck to have been her previous man, then finding out she’s jonesing on an eleven year old? Any man that says that wouldn’t have slaughtered his ego is lying his ass off. Chances are he went and bought Lenny Williams’ greatest hits and got his “oh oh oh” on.
I’ve seen girls I used to date with pro athletes, rappers, singers, all that. That, I could deal with. But man, a sixth-grader? That’s enough to send you to the priesthood.
And not only was she with the sixth-grader, but she was loving every minute of it! Last man…get your weight up, jack. Apparently, somethin wasn’t right.
The column’s been pushed back to August 12. If I have time, I’ll give you guys the low-down on it the day it debuts. The worst thing about having this column, though…I now have to listen to the radio again. That way, I can be more specific when I call the new stuff “utter bullshit.” But, here’s what songs have been rolling hard this week, in no particular order.
Bubbba Sparxxx – Deliverance
The Beatles – All You Need Is Love
The Clash – Guns in Brixton
The Roots – Do You Want More??!!!?
Staples Singers – Let’s Do It Again
Jimi Hendrix – Bold As Love
Scarface – Hand of the Dead Body
Lynyrd Skynyrd – Mr. Saturday Night Special (Mikey Aggs, where you at?)
OutKast – nearly everything they recorded, but especially Da Art of Storytelling Pt. 2.
Aretha Franklin – Ain’t No Way
Living Colour – Solace of You
Paul Simon – My Little Town
Chamillionaire – Mixtape Messiah (I don’t dig the Screw stuff, but Hakeem’s a beast)
Language Arts – Rubbers and Cutters
Devin the Dude – Briar Patch
And just because, say it with me in your best Lou Rawls voice…solid.
Think about me, pray for me, whatever you think works best…it’s eight days until it goes down. I’m weary, but optimistic. Yes, optimistic. Probably for the first time in my life, I’m optimistic. Most of the pessimism died with the Monster.

11 comments on “Eight Days to Sunrise…or Sunset?

  1. Barbara A.P. Jones says:

    Does the language have to be dirty?

  2. Killacal says:

    Well as a long time (Rafeal Ramirez and Ozzie Virgil and Rick Camp long!) Braves fan I loved and hated your article.
    You told our story more accurately than I’ve ever seen in print. I must admit that I had given up on the Braves chances of winning the division during this past offseason, there was no way we could lose that much offense and the Phillies gain that much offense and we still win the division, but lo and behold, we are still on top (for now).
    We’re doing it with smoke and mirrors and it amazes me that people still don’t want to give Bobby Cox his props!
    At any rate, the GOP has given up on being covert about their disrespect for Black dems at this point it seems, by running Keyes straight up against Obama. They would have been better off running David Duke.
    I am looking forward to reading your column on Africana. Take care!

  3. Ummm… I’m sorry Bomani. I can’t stand baseball and I’m tired of hearing about Ricky Williams, but I’ll find some way to get through your stories… Just because you’re my boy…
    Make sure you add my site (www.qsviews.com) you list of site dookie
    Later

  4. frank moore says:

    I agree with Dr. Jones. Cursing is used for shock value or because a person lacks a sufficient vocabulary. I know you do not lack the vocabulary.

  5. katrina says:

    i have nothing valuable to add, but for some reason that won’t stop me from saying something…so here…
    “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we,” Bush said. “They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

  6. Bomani says:

    Fret not…we’re sticking to basic cable cursing, and that’s not that shocking. And every now and then, a little cursing is parsimonious. Why say with eight letter that which you can say with four?
    But just in case the nephew is smart enough to read this, I’ll keep this in mind.

  7. Killacal says:

    Actually deep, deep ATL lore has it that there was a women whose house was demolished to build Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium who placed a hex on the franchise. Of course the Braves have a title (lonely though it may be), so her curse must not be too strong.

  8. Kirk says:

    I think that the Braves are just suffering from a different kind of curse than we have in Boston and Chicago. The one world series win was just to make sure Braves fans didn’t lose all hope, and that remain victims to the worst kind of you-know-what tease (keepin’ it clean here). The baseball gods simply cannot allow a team owned by Ted Turner to have any real glory. If they did, Vince McMahon might try to buy a team, and Lord knows none of us needs to see that.

  9. katrina says:

    maybe the curse came from naming the place after turner instead of aaron…*shrugs*

  10. Fred Batiste says:

    Granted, me being from south (souf in local hood dialect) Louisiana, I should know a thing or two about curses..
    The woman-cursing-the-Braves-over-Fulton County thing, trust me, ain’t got jack on the Louisiana Superdome allegedly built atop an Indian burial ground curse…and we all know the N.O. Saints’ history after moving into that building…Heck, at least the Braves won a playoff series, yet alone a world title…The Saints can’t even close out a season to make the playoffs..(I’m no Saints fan, but i root for the home team)
    BTW, Vince McMahon buying a baseball team shouldn’t be too far fetched. With the roids issue in baseball now, who better to get a renegade team of ‘roided-up, DDT’ing athletes than Vinny Mac himself.
    And on a side note, David Duke has no more credibility with his good ol white folks after bilking them for millions of dollars…i think he just got out of jail, where he probably learned something about race relations (my bet: once you go black, you never go back)

  11. ErinM says:

    Thank you for the parental advisory. And thanks for the phone call.

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