…to dog black men! Here’s another look at the multitudes of single black women in America.
There’s nothing new here, other than another reminder that Steve Fucking Harvey has become the go-to call on black men. Oy.
There are lots of problems with the way this story was presented, notably some of the statistical manipulations. That said, I’ve got one question to ask about this…
How do the experiences of black professional women compare to their white counterparts?
That’s what gets me about these stories. They’re always about black men vs. black women, and “vs.” is appropriate, given the confrontational tone stories like this take. But what are the reasons that white professional women have an easier time finding husbands?
Once we get into that, I’d like the answer to one question — are white women more likely to marry men below them in the class strata?
I ask that because much of that story centered around the pickiness of the women featured. That’s their right, of course. However, when you’re picky, you can be but so mad when you don’t get what you want. These women have lists of what they require in a man. Well, how many men fit the requirements? If that number is low, then you’re sure to end up with a great man…if you get a man. But, by definition, pickiness increases your likelihood to go home empty handed.
So, do white women behave differently? Why or why not?
But eh, why ask that when we can talk bad about black men, right?
I’m curious how many of these professional women would be willing to date a bright guy who isn’t a professional. I know plenty of cats like that, many of them my close friends. They’re the guys black women like those in that story want to find, save for their employment situations. How many of those women would date them?
Now, let’s flip that around. How many of those same women would be willing to date a ballplayer? The ballplayers, most likely, wouldn’t be as intelligent. He would, however, have a lot more money.
If these women wouldn’t date my friends, but would date the ballplayers, that’s their choice. However, if that’s the case, they couldn’t say that the problem is a shortage of men that fit their requirements. They’d have to say there’s a shortage of such men that are paid.
And that’s something entirely different.
To be clear — I’m not assigning blame to anyone. I’d just prefer that we look at this social phenomenon — one that merits discussion, I might add — as a collective issue, rather than talking about how hard this is on black women. Lemme tell you what’s rougher than black women’s inability to find men as educated as them — the fact that so many black men are capable of being the men they’re looking for, but don’t even have a fighting chance to get there.
That’s what’s rough.
This story on Nightline posited the shortcomings of black men as if they are entirely complicit for their misfortune, completely ignoring the systemic factors that contribute so greatly to those negative outcomes. Hell, there was a prosecutor discussing how disheartening it is to see so many black men in her courtroom, but no discussion of how much differently the legal system treats black men vis-a-vis everyone else! The core of the real, necessary, legitimate discussion was in that story, and it was quickly ignored.
That’s a helluva lot more important than why some black women can’t find men.
But no matter what, we’re not going to get anywhere discussing this topic until we look at it from a different initial position than the assumption of the inferiority of the black man.
19 thoughts on “It's that time of year…”
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Can’t speak on this topic. I do often wonder why an educated brother like myself is single though!
Re: marrying men who aren’t ‘professional’.
I think the biggest benefit of having a professional career is the implied stability/structure that comes with it. (A standard paycheck every 2 weeks, regular raises, a set schedule, etc.)
It’s difficult to be in a relationship (especially one as forever as a marriage) with someone who doesn’t operate within the same routines as you. They see the world differently. They see their options differently. It requires an advanced level of communication and understanding for each other’s lifestyle choices. And, for a lot of women, that is a lot to ask on top of everything else women have to ‘be’ in a relationship.
I totally agree on your assessment of the pickiness that black women can possess sometimes…Like you iterated, I don’t point to that to blame black women for the problem, but to just point out that their are multiple facets to this issues, and not just the lack of or ineptitude of black men.
I believe there have been many studies showing that folks tend to marry people near their intelligence level. Also, it has been posited that a key to a successful relationship is that both partners share the same values, etc. So I’ll echo Snozztastic’s statement that stability and structure are important, *especially* to women. I will also add that ‘professional’ in these terms would not be just a doctor or lawyer, but perhaps an accountant or an IT professional.
It’s one thing to have basic standards, but anyone who comes to the table with a list of requirements has gone well beyond “pickiness”, and in most cases, probably couldn’t live up to the same standards themselves.
There are some black women that are extremely picky, but they are focusing on the wrong thing. I know lots of single professional white women. So Bomani you hit the nail on the head. literally.
Most of the successful black women I know wanted men who were already successful. None of them ever seemed to want a man who was in the initial stages of success. Many of my friends got lucky in that they found someone who was willing to watch them grow, then re-evaluate the situation. I look at them now and I see that their relationships work because they have grown together and figured out what “success” means for them. Wanting a man who is “Ken Doll” successful (a shrink wrapped, prepackaged successful man with a manifest of desirable qualities that you can check off after you open the box); instead of a man that’s willing to work to achieve his dreams while accommodating you and your dreams should keep these women up at night. I’m not saying lowering standards is the answer. But if all their criteria are tangible things; maybe they need to start looking deeper.
What I find interesting about this whole debate, as you pointed out, is the lack of proper comparison between white professional women and black professional women. Many of my female friends and colleagues (who have graduate degrees) have the same issues with dating, much less finding a permanent partner. Most of these women aren’t black either. I think that no matter how down to earth and socially well-adjusted you are, women with advanced degrees can have issues with finding partners. As for being unwilling to date a work in progress…I think most of us women have and continue to do that. Sometimes the payoff is great (e.g. Michelle Obama) and other times it doesn’t go so well! LOL
The last thing I wanted to point out is the curious math that determines the ratio of eligible black men to black women. Much is made of how factors such as incarceration, unemployment (and occasionally homosexuality) reduces the number of eligible black men–but why does no one ever even consider the same sort of thing for black women? (The numbers are smaller but still.) Perhaps this doesn’t make it into these eligibility stats because it takes away some of the drama from their main thesis?
They had a show about this for white women. I think it was called “Sex in the City.” I think they even made a movie of it.
Just curious, how many times as Steve Harvey been divorced again?
Amen, Bo. As a 28 year old, single college educated black man with no kids and no ex wife, I can’t tell you how sick I am of hearing there are no “good” black men out there.
I thought this might be a good read to complement your take and that of the original story:
I believe that everyone has a valid point given their context. Once we experience what it is to be in a relationship with someone with incompatible values and feel the clash offered one can feel and sense the value of patience in waiting for the person who suits you and the other like a well-tailored garment. Until such a time, I invite all to enjoy the freedom and diversity that comes with a life that is well-lived daily.
Bomani, another great subject. And you are right that no one examines the systemic social aspects in these discussions. When status and economics makes the list of qualities of potential mates, there is a flaw in one’s thinking. Anyone who has been sucessful in any walk of life understands that their sucess is affected by more than just how smart they are; the difference can be pure luck. People ignore that the qualities of sucess are present in all walks of life, regardless of the compensation received. This piece shows that intelligent sucessful people can be just as shallow as anyone else.
What is the percentage of black women who are professionals, like the women in this video? The piece used a generalization of black men with the percentage that was in jail, unemployed, etc. While it just said that there are nearly double the number of black women in this country.
What is the percentage of single mothers with 3 or 4 children by 2 or 3 men. I do not encounter these “professionals” everywhere I turn.
As a single man, I don’t want a ready made family. While the media can make pieces diminishing the black man, lets look at the total picture and break down what we have to choose from. Finding a black woman like the ones in this piece is like finding waldo in a book.
you got it right bomani since waiting to exhale came out black women had this stuck up attiude they want a man to have a six fiqure job, a big house, a rolex and a bmw for them to have anything to do with them! and thats crap black women had been bamboozed by the white brain washing in this country if black had thought like this in the 40’s 50’s 60’s or 70’s blackmen would have made it this far. we need our women to be with us mind, body and soul! it’s hard for blackmen now no matter the age so we need our women to be by our side . we need them now more than ever.
As others have said, this report really does not account for the complexity of the issue, especially in terms of the numbers and demographics they are comparing. The lack of attention also as I feel Bomani hints at makes this story into one that belittles black men and causes racial infighting, and I agree with robert–it would be interesting to see a similar piece on professional black men.
PS Steve Harvey’s wearing sunglasses inside the radio booth discredited him as a relationship “guru.”
umm a 31 year old cheerleader is leading the way on this topic? Nothing says successful career like cheerleading.
More blackgirl whining, more skewed statistics, more black man bashing, more more more. Happy New Year, African-American male! Here’s our gift to you, a flaming bag of shit on your front porch. A little late for trick-or-treat, but you know what they say about Colored People’s Time.
I don’t even have to watch the video to know what it’s about. It’s not like I haven’t heard the tune before, ad nauseam and on repeat, like a Lady Gaga track. Bad romance, indeed. “Niggas Ain’t Shit,” the remix.
The meme of this Nightline piece has worked its way thru the blogosphere like a bowl of chili thru your lower intestines, with about as much nutritional value.
It is apparent to me as a moderately intelligent brotha who has gotten where he is today with no–and I mean NO–help from black women whatsoever from Moms on down (because we all know how much black women LOVE intelligent, hard-working, self-made, non-thuggish black men), that these heifers, end of the day, mean you no good, and if you are a black man with a brain in your head (and no criminal record, decent credit, and a job), they do not deserve you regardless of degree status.
It’s with this in mind that I would tout the white or (if you’re lucky like me) Asian woman all day long with the same fervor that BW IR bloggers have for their white knights. The only difference is, we as black men with something to offer, can actually PULL attractive white or Asian women in real life, as opposed to blogging about them and pumping them up with no reciprocation.
And you good brothas holding out for that “perfect” sista? Unless you’re Morris Chestnut or Idris Elba (black woman’s dream “sensitive thug” of the moment; he was a sensitive single dad in “Daddy’s Little Girl!” A lyrical, sensitive crack dealer in “The Wire!” And he had a hot freaky blond with a bad-ass body throw herself at him and he SAID NO! in “Obsessed!” The role-choosing trifecta being pure catnip for the sistas), keep dreaming.
Get off the merry-go-round with these broads and do ya thing, Black Man.
I am a 44 year old African American female attorney, never married, no children. My most recent date, a little over 2 weeks ago, was with a metrosexual guy that protested (his sexuality) too much, when I never really inquired. I figured he needed a beard. I am not willing. Am I picky? Of course not.
There are not enough appropriate (Appropriate meaning God-fearing, working, financially independent, substance free, un-incarcerated, take care of your children) African American men for African American women. Racism keeps us from successfully engaging relationships and partnerships with men of other races.
Is hard out there for a sistah!