Got questions about what happened to Tiger Woods?  Me, too.  Here they are, as they came to me, and the best I — or anyone else — could come up with, given that Tiger won’t tell me anything.  Or much of anyone else.
Where did Tiger and Elin go for Thanksgiving?
After Thanksgiving, an unofficial poll conducted by this writer found 90 percent of Americans were stuffed and passed out by 9:30. What good’s a billion dollars if you don’t throw down on Thanksgiving?
Should Tiger look into a Volvo?
Backing out of the driveway in his Escalade and hitting a hydrant gave Woods facial lacerations? 20 years ago, Volvos handled crashing monster trucks better than that. One time for Swedish engineering!
What’s that smell?
Not sure, but something stinks.
Has Tiger ever actually owned a Buick?
If he went to the Caddy at 2 a.m., I’m skeptical. Buick gave us the Regal. They know something about getaway cars.
Is an Escalade a long par-4 or a short par-5?
According to, Elin teed off with a 7-iron to break Tiger’s back windshield, making it one expensive par-3.
Where was Tiger going?
Out. That’s where.
Where was OnStar?
Forget about the 911 call. In the commercials, no such call would be necessary. Tiger doesn’t have the base package, does he?
Is this the best thing to ever happen to Tiger?
No matter what the truth proves to be, everything points to something most men can relate to. Who could say they related to Woods in any way before this? His name’s Tiger, but he’s human, something that’s easy to lose sight of but, now, is impossible to ignore. Worse things you can call a man than a “person.”
Since when does The Law reschedule?
When diplomatic immunity is involved. Don’t forget — we’re talking about the King of Cablinasia.
Was Tiger cheating on his wife?
If he was, his grill got cracked and his ride got busted. If he wasn’t, his grill got cracked and his ride got busted. Next question.
Has Tony Dungy been contacted?
Maybe, but this sounds more like a sitchie for Lionel Richie. Or maybe a séance to speak with Johnnie Taylor?
What’s a “Kobe Special?”
A great way for Tiger to ruin the kinship with the common man he’d developed.
Why did Tiger release a statement remarkably similar to the story no one believed?
Because, if the cops can’t get him to talk, neither can you.