Got questions about what happened to Tiger Woods? Me, too. Here they are, as they came to me, and the best I — or anyone else — could come up with, given that Tiger won’t tell me anything. Or much of anyone else.
Friday
Where did Tiger and Elin go for Thanksgiving?
After Thanksgiving, an unofficial poll conducted by this writer found 90 percent of Americans were stuffed and passed out by 9:30. What good’s a billion dollars if you don’t throw down on Thanksgiving?
Should Tiger look into a Volvo?
Backing out of the driveway in his Escalade and hitting a hydrant gave Woods facial lacerations? 20 years ago, Volvos handled crashing monster trucks better than that. One time for Swedish engineering!
What’s that smell?
Not sure, but something stinks.
Saturday
Has Tiger ever actually owned a Buick?
If he went to the Caddy at 2 a.m., I’m skeptical. Buick gave us the Regal. They know something about getaway cars.
Is an Escalade a long par-4 or a short par-5?
According to msnbc.com, Elin teed off with a 7-iron to break Tiger’s back windshield, making it one expensive par-3.
Where was Tiger going?
Out. That’s where.
Where was OnStar?
Forget about the 911 call. In the commercials, no such call would be necessary. Tiger doesn’t have the base package, does he?
Is this the best thing to ever happen to Tiger?
No matter what the truth proves to be, everything points to something most men can relate to. Who could say they related to Woods in any way before this? His name’s Tiger, but he’s human, something that’s easy to lose sight of but, now, is impossible to ignore. Worse things you can call a man than a “person.”
Since when does The Law reschedule?
When diplomatic immunity is involved. Don’t forget — we’re talking about the King of Cablinasia.
Was Tiger cheating on his wife?
If he was, his grill got cracked and his ride got busted. If he wasn’t, his grill got cracked and his ride got busted. Next question.
Has Tony Dungy been contacted?
Maybe, but this sounds more like a sitchie for Lionel Richie. Or maybe a séance to speak with Johnnie Taylor?
Sunday
What’s a “Kobe Special?”
A great way for Tiger to ruin the kinship with the common man he’d developed.
Why did Tiger release a statement remarkably similar to the story no one believed?
Because, if the cops can’t get him to talk, neither can you.
11 thoughts on “The Tiger Woods FAQ”
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This really sounds like one of those cases in which full disclosure might have been the better strategy. Obviously I don’t know all the details, but I think it is unrealistic for anyone in the public eye like Tiger Woods is to assume that something like this will be able to be handled privately.
In face, claims that it is a “private matter” will likely just fuel the speculation even more.
Great piece loved the bit about the Volvo and yes it was a monster. how did that crash creTe all that damage, or was he on the way to hey fixed? And why did she need to busy the window? So many questions so few answers
Pretty funny write-up.
I like that he won’t tell anyone shit, f_ck em tiger, take this to the grave.
With that said, alcohol was involved and there was a domestic dispute. I believe the rear glass was busted before or while he was backing out of the driveway and into the fire hydrant.
as we all know, crazy loves hard, especially when they are wielding a golf club
Great perspective on Tiger and in your espn page 2 piece on Tebow. I remember how unstoppable Dixon was before he went out and it’s good someone is giving him credit after last night.
Kudos to Tiger for doing the smart thing and making tracks when his woman went to work on his face.
Instead of escalating the situation, he Escaladed the situation.
Thanks, I’ll be here all week.
WOW, the details are just what Hollywood would script, Tigers PR folks are the worst ever…….assuming he has them, who knows with that no strategy plan, I can’t get caught. Tiger may be lucky to be alive as his girl had to jump him in his sleep. He never should have left the house, easy to say now of course.
Dirk don’t look so bad now
Later
Umm, yes he does.
Who knew Tiger was such a freak???
He’s got women working all over.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I always knew Tiger was a closet freak! Most nerdy types are…uhh…Bomani?!?
I feel bad for Tiger. Using him to make an example is ridiculous. Why not all the other actors out there that are cheating? Poor guy