Barbershops, then a tangential left turn

Business…here, I talk to my unborn children about the two teams in tonight’s championship game.
So I went to the barber shop this morning in preparation for a formal event I’m going to with my girlfriend.  Might be late getting to the house for the game, but that’s why The Man made TiVo.  Anyway, the barber shows up late.  That’s never good, especially not today.  When you’re the only shop around open on Monday, you should know that all parties involved need to get that cut fast.  We’re not conditioned to get cuts on Mondays.  When we do, it’s a bit of an emergency.
I get there, and dude gets me in the chair fast.  But while he’s edging up the front, it becomes readily apparent why dude was late–he was gettin’ lifted.  I mean his fingers smelled like straight killa, and this was after he thoroughly washed his hands.  No wonder the cut took like 40 minutes.
I do look rather fly, though.  Very important on a night like this.  Decreases the possibility of some enterprising young man hittin’ my girl with the Morris Day, “what’s your phone number?  I gotta be cooler than this cat you’re sittin’ with.”
That line’s always thrown me off, too.  What’s cool got to do with crazy, buddy?  In fact, the best case scenario when approaching someone like that is that he’s the coolest dude on Earth.  That way, he’ll just kinda post up and not trip.  If he ain’t cool, something tells me you’ll get the glass shampoo from his bottle.  Or maybe that’s just me.  I dunno.
Either way, I hope I serve as my own pimpin’ repellent.  I always say that, when buying engagement rings, men are trying to get something that will serve as pimpin’ repellent.  Yanno, something dudes will see and instantly recognize they have no chance.  I’ve been shut down by a few rings in my time.
Since I’m not at the ring point yet, I gotta do the job myself when I’m around.  Root for me.  Or just root that I don’t have to snatch that glass.  Root for my happiness.  And root that I stay outta jail.  Can’t blog from the clink, I don’t think.  I get the feeling the WiFi in there is booty.